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Defeated Tory MP Jeremy Hackett will miss his high office
Defeated Tory MP Jeremy Hackett will miss his high office

SUFFOLK SUBURB – In a humiliating retreat to the idyllic tranquility of Bumble’s Green in Suffolk, former Tory MP Jeremy Hackett has swapped his parliamentary seat for a garden bench.

Jeremy Hackett, who lost the general election to Labour on Thursday, was seen heading back to his country house where he plans to “chill out” his first few years after leaving politics. When the SUFFOLK GAZETTE asked him about his future plans, Jeremy Hackett replied: “Hooooooshhhh. At the moment I just want to relax in the peace and quiet of my beautiful garden, smoke a huge joint and think quietly about my future.”

This vision of relaxation and reflection is in stark contrast to the plight of his former colleagues, who now face the harsh reality of unemployment. But fear not, as a leaked Westminster document reveals that defeated Tory MPs are to receive taxpayer-funded support to help them return to the real world. The proposed “career transition scheme”, designed to soften the blow of losing a seat, offers these beleaguered ex-politicians free career coaching, including advice on how to write a CV – because apparently being an MP doesn’t provide enough transferable skills.

Jeremy Hackett, who once eloquently debated the merits of fiscal responsibility, could soon be taking a workshop to learn how to fit his achievements into a two-page CV. The career transition programme is designed to help these former MPs recognise their transferable skills, although it could be argued that their unique ability to avoid giving straight answers may not be as valued outside Westminster.

While Jeremy Hackett enjoys his time in the country and considers whether to go into management consulting or perhaps write his memoirs, his deposed parliamentary colleagues can look forward to on-demand career coaching and access to networking opportunities.

The initiative, which will cost taxpayers an undisclosed sum, is designed to ensure that these former MPs are not stuck in unemployment for long. With their parliamentary careers behind them, the transition back to everyday life should be as smooth as the smoke from Hackett’s row.

By Isla